Coffee and donuts
by Yunnan
Summary: Just a fluff piece between Jerry and Julia (who plays Elaine). Inspired by the Seinfeld blooper reels, where Julia giggles a lot. I'll write a bit more if I feel inspired. Enjoy!


The phone rang. Jerry groaned, put the legal pad and pen on the side table and answered. It was his assistant, Ben.

"Hi, Ben, what's up?"

"Did I interrupt something?"

"No, I'm just trying to come up with material for next week."

"Well, about that… Look, I just had a chat with the crew about this week."

"I know. They will get paid for overtime. I told them so, didn't I?"

"They've been paid for overtime every single week since the season premiere." Ben sounded worried. But then, he was always worried about something.

"Yeah, I know. I do occasionally look at the numbers, seeing as I'm one of the producers. But we will be able to weather it. We're not just trying to get by, you know. Did you see the ratings for last season?"

"We have the money, yes. The question is, will we have the crew?"

"Excuse me?"

"Jerry, they don't like working overtime every single night, no matter how much they get paid."

"I know there have been delays. We crack up sometimes, there was the incident with the table-leg. We forget the lines and have to do it over. But all in all, it's going ok, right? What are they complaining about exactly?"

"Well, it seems…"

"Look, there's not a single series filming, where they don't do overtime occasionally. What's really bothering them? Is it me? Have I hurt someone's feelings?"

"It's… well, it's Julia." Ben sounded embarrassed. "The main reason filming and editing takes so much time is that Elaine keeps cracking up. We filmed almost four hours for one episode last week, and they had to edit out two and a half hours. Most of that was Elaine giggling. And then of course everyone started cracking up just looking at her, and…"

"I know, last week was kind of a disaster. I can't think why she should laugh at the line with the ticket-booth. It wasn't even meant to be funny. How many retakes did we do for that scene again?"

"Twenty-five. Look, Jerry, you need to talk to her. The crew are still annoyed. She's getting to be the sort of person they don't like working with. You know what that could do to her career. She's still young, and I think she'd like to keep working. But word gets around."

"I'll talk to her, I promise. Ben, thank you for telling me. See you next week."

"Thanks, Jerry. I hope she'll take it seriously. See you, bye!"

"Bye!"

Jerry hung up and made himself a cup of coffee, going over the conversation in his head. He wasn't really surprised that the crew were complaining. Being an easygoing type himself, he didn't get annoyed at the occasional crack-up, especially since he cracked up a fair bit too. It was after all meant to be a funny show, and laughing together was a big part of why they were such a good cast.

Ben was a worrier, but being an assistant gave him a unique insight into the complex workings of a show. Jerry knew that most actors didn't really need to think about the technicalities that went into a production. They learned their lines, created a character, showed up and did their stuff. Jerry wasn't really an actor so much as a comedian, and he was mostly interested in the writing and the chemistry between characters, which made the show work.

On one point, Ben was absolutely right: if you want to keep working in television, you had better be a professional about it. Elaine wasn't doing herself any favors by antagonizing the people she worked with. Trying to find a new crew, or even some new members, two months into the season, would mean even longer delays and even more overtime. He needed to get through to Julia before the crew expressed their opinion by leaving. He picked up the phone and rang her up, inviting her over for coffee. Julia agreed to come over early the next day.

"Hey Jerry! Thanks for inviting me over. I brought donuts."

"I'm glad you could come. Oh, these are great. From Danielle's on the corner, right? Have a seat. Did you get here all right? I hear they're doing construction a few blocks down. But then, when aren't they?" They chatted like the old friends they were while Jerry made coffee and set out the chocolate chip cookies he had baked earlier.

"It still amazes me, that. Jerry Seinfeld can bake. I'd never have guessed it to look at you", Julia laughed, sipping her coffee.

"And I cook, too. Divinely."

"Oh, I know. What was that amazing soup you made for me last time I had the flu?"

"Carrot soup with orange and ginger."

"That's it. It was incredible. I didn't know carrots could taste like that. You can get all kinds of things delivered, you know. I never seem to have the energy to cook on weekdays, not after a long day at work."

"I cook a bit during the weekend, and then put it in the freezer. I learn my lines when I'm waiting for the water to boil and stuff like that. There's a lot of waiting in cooking."

"I can't stand waiting, I need for things to happen all the time."

"I've noticed". Jerry said it quietly, and Julia frowned a little.

"Aren't you supposed to contradict me? To say that I have the patience of a saint."

"It wouldn't be true, now would it? You have many great qualities. Patience just isn't one of them." Jerry sat back in his chair and looked at Julia, smiling a little.

Julia looked back at him in surprise to see if he was teasing her. Jerry was always teasing her. They knew each other so well, that he knew exactly how to push her buttons. And of course she pushed back. At least, she made faces and occasionally called him names.

"You could lie to me. A white lie never hurt anyone, Jerry."

"White lies hurt a great many people. And since we're friends, I don't feel the obligation to lie to you."

"Well, I like that you're honest", she said, not sounding quite sure. "So, how's the script coming along?" she continued, changing the subject just a little too abruptly.

"I'm getting there. It's going to be another one with a money-raising scheme for Kramer. You'll keep going with your storyline about the new boss. He's going to talk you into going to Hawaii with him."

"That wouldn't take much doing this time of year. This week's episode was so funny. The viewers are going to love it. Who knew that a show about nothing would survive the pitch meeting?"

"I'm as amazed as you are. Of course it turns out it's not really about nothing. It's sort of what happened to Hamlet. Did you know they didn't think Hamlet would run for more than a couple of performances? Have another donut. Shall I make some more coffee?"

"Thanks, I'd love another cup. This blend is amazing. Why would Hamlet not run?" Jerry got up and opened the coffee tin. "With you in a minute, Julia". He counted aloud, measuring out the coffee into the filter. "One… two… three. There we go. It's Colombian. The blend, I mean. Coffee is their second greatest export."

"What's their greatest export?"

"Cocaine" said Jerry drily, pushing the button on the coffee-maker.

"The more you know… But what about Hamlet?"

"Hamlet is a play about character. There's this guy, who goes on and on about what he should do, how he should do it, and whether it's worth doing. It's almost four hours, if you don't cut anything."

"It's a bit long, but they always cut something, don't they? I've seen four versions, I think, and each is a little different. Something gets cut out every time."

"Yeah, well the point is that not a lot actually happens during the first half of the play. It's just Hamlet moping around Elsinore castle trying to sort himself out. They didn't think, at the time, that people would pay to see that."

"And your show is like that, because nothing spectacular happens a lot of the time. I get it. But it resonates with people."

"So does Hamlet, after all this time. Give me your cup." Jerry poured out fresh coffee, sat down and stirred his coffee, careful not to spill a single drop.

"This is del- Ouch!" Julia put the cup down hastily and fanned her mouth.

"You just couldn't wait, could you?" said Jerry, getting her some cold water. "There you go. Stir it. It will taste just as good in two minutes, cross my heart and hope to die", he said.

"Thanks. I like it hot".

"I can tell."

"Jerry…" in a whining voice.

"Julia…" in a drawn-out whine.

Julia laughed. "Stop it, Jerry, you're embarrassing me."

"No, I'm teasing you. Embarrassment implies an audience, which we don't have", Jerry said looking smug.

"Fine, whatever." Julia sounded sullen and looked away.

"What is with the attitude? You sound like a teenager."

"I don't mean to, it's just…"

"Just what, Julia?" Jerry looked a little closer at Elaine. She looked at her hands and blushed a little.

"Julia, did I upset you? I'm sorry, dear."

Julia looked up with tears in her eyes. "No, I'm fine." There was a catch in her voice.

"You are not fine. Julia, we're friends, talk to me. Was I being mean? Has something happened to upset you?"

"I'm not… I'm fine, really. It's just, sometimes I do the stupidest things. I can't even manage a cup of coffee, it seems."

"Julia, accidents happen. I burn myself, and drop things, and say things that upset my friends. It's a part of life. It's not who you are".

"I was a mess yesterday. We did take after take, and I couldn't get through my lines."

"I noticed that. Was there something on your mind?

"We're doing a funny show, for god's sake, it's hard not to laugh. And you do those faces…"

"Like this?" Jerry raised his eyebrows and pouted. Julia laughed a little unsteadily.

"Yeah, just like that. And I can't stop laughing. I saw the cameraman look at the director at the, oh, maybe the twentieth take of that damn scene at the ticket-booth. He looked like he'd like to kill someone. Probably me."

"Never mind Bob, he's having a hard time quitting smoking. Even crew members have bad days."

"I never knew he was trying to give up smoking. How did you… I never saw you talking to him."

"I talk to everyone. I make it a point to get to know the people I work with, and who work for me. It's much easier to work with people when you know what to expect. All the troubles they have at home, how they are feeling, what they are looking forward to, it all adds up to how the show's going to be."

"I never thought of it like that."

"You haven't had as much experience of workplaces as I have. I've not always been a "star", you know. I've had to work to pay my way, always."

"I didn't have to do that. My parents paid my way through college and drama school".

"I know, you've told me."

"Jerry", Julia said suddenly. "Am I… do you think I'm spoiled?"

"Just a little, maybe."

"But I can't help that!" Julia burst out suddenly. "My people are well off."

"That's one way of putting it, certainly."

"But I can't help how my parents raised me. I'm well liked, and I do work hard."

"You can't, you are, and you do." Julia looked pleased.

"Julia", Jerry reached across the table and took her hand, "you need to listen to me. I don't deny that you do a great job on the show. You're a fantastic comedic actress. But I need you to take it seriously. You've heard the phrase "Comedy is no laughing matter". Well, it isn't, not to the people who work hard to amuse others. We're doing a show that people really enjoy watching, and long may it continue. But, despite the fun lines, and the funny faces, and Kramer nearly killing himself in the revolving door (Elaine giggled), what we're doing is _work_."

"Of course it is."

"Why is it, then, do you think, that you can't help falling apart every single show? We have gone overtime every show since the beginning of the season. I know", Jerry raised a hand to stop the objections that Elaine was about to make, "you can't help yourself. I can't help myself either, not all of the time. But do you really understand, that we have to pay the crew, the craft services and so on, even if we don't get any material fit to air? It costs us just as much to film an hour of forgetting lines and giggling as it does to film an hour of show. And this isn't an inexpensive show, as our sponsors keep reminding us when they buy air time."

"I do know that. I just have a hard time not laughing. Jerry, it's not that I don't care, or that I don't see the bigger picture."

Jerry was silent. He let go of her hand and studied her. At least he had her full attention. After a moment, he said: "Elaine, I believe you when you say you care. But what I don't think you appreciate is that acting as part of a production takes something more than talent. It takes discipline."

"I*m an actress, Jerry, I do know –".

Jerry cut her short. "Yes, I know you know. The thing is, Elaine, knowing it and living it are two different things. You asked if I think you're spoiled. I think you are, just a little, in that although you have a natural talent for comedy, you're not pushing yourself. For example, if you feel like laughing, you give in to it."

"Jerry, I'm really tired most days. It's almost always late when we start filming, and I can't do it."

"You can so do it, I've seen you do it every week for the past four years."

"But I'm tired, and when I'm tired –"

"- you giggle. As evidenced by two hours of cut material for our last show. Elaine, do you get enough sleep?"

"I think so, I sleep great."

"Any trouble getting up in the morning?"

"I've demolished four alarm clocks this past year."

"So that's a yes. You turn up at the studio about nine. Do you have breakfast?"

"I grab a coffee at the place near the studio".

"I know, but before that?"

"Nada."

"Ok, so you don't have time to eat, is that it?"

"Yes, I like to lie in. Then I put on a little makeup, throw something on and run."

"Ok. You go to sleep when exactly?"

"It depends. If there's something good on TV, I'll watch it. I turn in around midnight."

"And you go to sleep right away? Or do you read?"

"I read a bit, for an hour or so. You know, I keep waking up with the book still open on my face. Anyway, what's with the questioning?"

"I'm getting to the bottom of this. So, from what I understand, you exist on about six hours of sleep, coffee, readymade meals and takeout. Not to mention work. I'm no longer amazed you giggle during filming. I'm amazed you aren't burnt out. And judging by your behavior, your nerves and your emotional responses, I'd say that's not far down the line."

"Oh come off it, Jerry, I'm not burnt out. I'm part of a very successful show, I'm making money. My life is great. I'm happy."

"Is that why you're ready to burst into tears when I tease you just a little? And is that why you feel you're losing control to the extent that burning your tongue defines you as a terrible, terrible person, who can never succeed at anything? Because you're happy?"

"Jerry, I…" Elaine looked at Jerry and her lips quivered.

"I know you don't like to hear this, Elaine, but it needs to be said. I don't think you're running your life, I think your life is running you, and you're trying to keep up. That's a dangerous way to live. You know what this industry is like. You have to be your best self, all of the time, when you're working. If you aren't, you don't work."

"It's really tough, I know. But we're doing great, we're not about to get canned, are we?"

"No, we'll keep doing this for some time to come, I hope. The thing is, it will end one day. And when it does, you need to have a reputation for being the sort of person who takes herself and her work seriously, or you won't be working. Besides, discipline is one of your most valuable assets, whether you make movies or dig ditches."

"You sound like my dad."

"No, I sound like a friend, who's been there before. I grew up in a different kind of family than you. We all had to pitch in, because there wasn't a lot of money. I was always this funny guy, who could make people laugh, and there was a lot of laughing in our home. But I didn't grow up thinking it doesn't matter that much what I do, and when and how I do it. I had responsibility from a young age, and so I can take responsibility now. I don't expect anyone else to come and rescue me, or to give me just one more chance to get it right. When people love you, they will give you one more chance. But the people you work with don't have to give you another chance. You know how fickle this industry is. There's always someone younger, funnier and prettier to take your place. That's why you need to stay on top of your work, and to do that, you need discipline and patience."

"And how am I supposed to get that?" Julia asked.

"Well, you might want to start with little things. Turning out the lights at night before you actually pass out from being too tired. Getting up half an hour earlier, so you can have breakfast at home and make your own coffee, instead of spending obscene amounts of your hard-earned money at coffee-shops. Think of the money you could save in a month! You could buy some of this amazing Colombian blend, for example", Jerry said smiling.

"That's not a big deal, I bet I could do that any day. But how is that going to change anything, except that I'll be up a bit earlier and save some money?" Julia asked, clearly eager to try but not much impressed.

"It will help you", said Jerry seriously "because you'll get more sleep each night, and that adds up. You'll start to recall your lines better when you're feeling more alert. Who knows, you might even manage to keep a straight face when we're shooting."

"You think so? That would be great. I'd like it if the crew, especially Bob, didn't look daggers at me. And even Michael seems a bit strained lately."

"That's just his way. He's no barrel of laughs at the best of times, and he takes his job very seriously. Your giggling can be a bit distracting." He looked at Julia indulgently. She really was endearing. He was surprised at how seriously she was taking this conversation. Maybe, given time, she would start acting in a more mature way.

"Julia", he said, "this isn't going to be easy for you. It may sound just like a few small changes here and there, but habits are incredibly hard to break. Look at Bob and his smoking. No wonder he's a little edgy. I will check up on you occasionally, if I may, and you can talk to me if something is bothering you. Ok?"

"Ok. Jerry, thank you so much for talking to me. I must have been blind not to notice where I was headed. You really do notice things, don't you?"

"It's my job. There's no comedy without observation. And you're welcome."


End file.
